Today was my last day taking paroxetine.

It had been a good companion for many years now, but my body is no longer benefiting from it and it may have been the source of my more challenging suicidal thoughts.

In all honesty, I just want to stop taking medication. But my friends and my GP aren’t happy with me going without while my moods still wildly fluctuate, while I still panic and while I still self-harm.

So our “compromise” was that I try something else – Citalopram. Like my previous medications, this is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Basically, your brain produces a happy hormone and these SSRI’s prevent the happiness from being reabsorbed too quickly.

How wonderful does that sound? The details are a bitch though.

In my experience, they do help to keep my moods relatively level but I do have my mood spikes. These are unavoidable, but I can take them in my stride with a little help from my friends.

I don’t want to be medicated for the rest of my life. I want to be able to experience my real feelings again. I worry that I am missing out on the full spectrum of emotion, both the highs and the lows. Am I leading a half-life?